I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize