so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
