Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
