Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
