it hurts more in the daytime
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize