I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
