I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
