I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
