i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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