zippers are such a cool invention
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
