The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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