Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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