from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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