I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
