why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
