It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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