u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
