If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hippo gnu deer
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
