1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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