life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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