All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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