it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I need a beard to bite.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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