It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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