she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
