I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
