i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
