Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I still have a little drunk in my system
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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