if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize