He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
