So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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