Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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