wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
