you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
