Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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