You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
