is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize