woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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