I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize