its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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