You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
