I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
