when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
