I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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