my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
