Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
