I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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