go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
