her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize