I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
