You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize