Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
