I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize