I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
