When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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