guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
