I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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