i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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