i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
