How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
