i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
