I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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